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Dead Cells – Short Stolen Review: PC Version

*Mumble* Don’t see what the big deal is, *shrug*.

Dead Cells plagiarism

You can trust me. TRUST ME NOW! DO IT!

I’m not in the mood to review anything today, so I won’t. I’ve stolen the following review from Kotaku.

Let’s check out their intro!

In my first game of Dead Cells, I died after about four minutes. In my most recent one, I lasted almost an hour. The time difference between – Yada, yada, yada, you get the drift. Play game, get better at game. Sometimes you die quick or don’t.

Ok, not a great start. Dead Cells is a jumpy, jumpy platform game with random levels and a single precious life. You’re forever upgrading and improving so it’s not a big deal when you croak. It also looks really rather pretty.

Jeez… this is too much work. Let’s get back to the plagiarism.

Take it away guys!

to the thievery!

Frostpunk – Short Review: PC Version

Wait.. why Punk? Frost makes sense. Where does Punk come into it? Anyway, on with the review.

What’s the opposite of an empowering fantasy?

Don’t tell me. It’s Frostpunk, right?

Brought to you from the minds behind miserable survival game “This War of Mine”, Frostpunk has the bright idea of putting you in charge of a desperate colony on a rapidly freezing planet Earth.

Sounds like a laugh.


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Wreckfest – (Not) Short Review: PC Version

The title of my next gunge album… or dating guidebook. 

Crumpling a crappy car into advertising hoardings brings a big smile to my face. Finally, a game for people that dislike cars! I’ve always had a soft spot for destructive games, but it’s easy to regulate your excitement for a game that’s been around since 2014. Oh, Early Access… You harbinger of the anti-climax.

Now that Wreckfest’s been formally released, I wonder…

Is it metrosexual to shave my incredibly hairy toes? Also…

… Did Bugbear Entertainment manage to craft a game out the mismatch of systems?


BBC Sport VR world cup

World Cup in Virtual Reality

The Egypt Vs Uruguay game’s dull enough for me to write this entire article. Suarez just missed a sitter.

Lounging around a swanky Virtual Box watching a football game sounds like a pretty good idea, right? Plus it’s completely free to try out.

All you need to do is to look up the BBC Sport VR: FIFA World Cup on the PS store and hit download. I suggest you go try it now.

My job here is done.

C’mon, you don’t really need an opinion on it. Shoo! You can try it out now…. for free.

Oh, you’re at work? You don’t have Virtual Reality? Fine, come on in and I’ll tell you wot I think but you owe me a beer.


E£ 2018

E3 2018: Judgement Day

Birdsong fills the air. Peace and quiet. Joey Jo Jo creaks in her chair with a cool drink and nods as Scott joins her. This is bliss. A monster truck pulls out 15 donuts.

“Hey, Joey Jo Jo. Have you met our new neighbour yet?”

Mud covers the porch.


“So, Scott… Can you hear Andrew WK?”

“Yep. E3 has come around once again. To be honest I can’t face talking about it. Bullshots, non-gameplay trailers and people that get overexcited about corporate promises. I’m completely unqualified for whoops.”

“Me either. Well, you know what to do.”

Scott and Joey Jo Jo both look round to the forbidden door. The Monster Truck is somehow on two wheels. The strains of Andrew WK get louder.

“Yes. It is time to release the Cari. Have you got the key?”

“150 Pokémon! That is all I care about. I care very little for Mew…



SF 30th Anniversary Collection

Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection – Short Review: PC Version

Capcom invented DLC before the internet existed.

Imagine this. You purchased Ultra Street Fighter II on the Switch at full price. A year later an Even-More-Ultra Street Fighter containing all classic variations hits all consoles! Just like the good ol’ days.

Classic Capcom.

For those that didn’t have the pleasure of being alive in the 90’s, Street Fighter II took over the world. We ask the single question that confirms just how good an old game really was: –

Is it still playable today and will it continue to be infinitely playable in another 10 years time? If the answer is yes, you got yourself perfect design, baby.

In order to hone my skills and throw the perfect Hadoken I have been putting myself through various gardening trials, such as – Pull up Bramble and the Weed Squat. I think it has really improved my skills* and for just £5.99 a week you too can benefit from my new top-secret Mr Miyagi style techniques.

Anyway. Street Fighter. That. Let’s hope I can get through this review without utilising the word “remember”.

*may actually reduce quality of play, due to knackered fingers.


Splammo Header

We’re Updating Our Privacy Policy

Dear Customer,

Here at whatever-this-website-is-called we pride ourselves on excellent consumer service and our discrete data gathering and spy network. We’re writing to let you know that we’re updating our privacy policy in preparation for the EU’s General Data Protection Regulations (“GDPR”) which will go into effect on May 25th, 2018. We missed the deadline as executive legal consultant Tommy was grounded.

please read more, your rights depend on it

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Deadbolt – Short Review: PC Version

Hey Doc, so how does this work? Want me to lie down?

Ok, great. Might as well. Where do you want me to start? Yes, the beginning, of course. Deadbolt is a side-scrolling house infiltration simulator that employs a keyboard to move and the mouse to shoot your enemies. In the head. Doc, I play a lot of games. More than I talk about on this here website. Most of the time I can’t be arsed to talk about them because I don’t feel there is anything extra to contribute. Yes. We all know God of War is good. Anyway, shall I go on?

Good, Good

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Phoenix Point: Pre-Alpha Demo

Checks email. Oh… I can download the first backer build of Phoenix Point!

I seldom do previews for so many reasons*. But when Julian Gollop, the creator of X-Com returns to the genre… yep…  this is one of the few occasions I’m excited enough to put words to paper.

Yes. i’m fully aware that this is not paper, smartarse. No, I refuse to say smartass.

Righto. I’m off to try it now.


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Persona 5 – (Not) Short Review: PS4 Version

It was around the 50 hour mark that I came to the stark realisation that I can’t yet review this game. It is mammoth.

Persona is a Japanese role playing game based around high school and the duality of man (oi and woman!) Taking charge of the charismatic mute Joker, you adventure into the consciousness of the corrupt, leading the swashbuckling Phantom Thieves of Hearts. A group dedicated to Justice and proclaiming terms like “Justice!” loudly whilst holding a clenched fist.

Persona 5 116 hours

After 116 hours I can now talk about this game for days. I’ll try my best not to.

This review has been brought to you by a man who has never played a Persona game before. These days it’s a real effort to divert a 100 hours of my life to anything.


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Attack on Titan 2 – Short Review: PC Version

Attack on Title Too

Back in those heady days of 2016 the first Attack on Titan game was quite a surprise. Web-slinging around a map populated by monstrous titans is (still) a novel concept, which ultimately, became repetitive. Hilarious when you consider that more happens in a single 24 minute episode of Attack on Titan than most other shows.

Hold up… if the first game became repetitive, how does the sequel fare?


Wipeout Omega VR

Wipeout: Omega Collection – Short Review: PS4 VR Version

Spewout: Regurgitate Collection

The Omega collection throws together the most recent Wipeout games into one handy remastered package. Nice. Originally released on the 7th of June 2017 a free update has given us Virtual Reality across all modes. Normally they charge a fiver for the privilege, so this is a welcome surprise.

Wipeout Omega lap

Whilst racing at 300 mph I often stop to look at the clouds.

Welcome to the descriptive part of the introduction. Everyone with the nost basic knowledge of a Wipeout can skip directly to the article … now!

HAH! I lied. Those arrogant readers, skipping over the introduction. Just who do they think they are? I’ll let you into a secret. Wipeout is a killer app for a certain type of person. Or for 20 minutes, depending on ya’ stomach. For a freebie this is one of the very best virtual experiences I’ve had on the ol’ PSVR. The speed and clarity is potent. It feels like it was custom designed for VR. It’s a 9 out of 10 from me. Now you don’t need to read the rest article*. Well done.

*How dare they skip over the actual article! Can you believe them? They have no idea what makes the game great. I could have been lying about the score!

Welcome to the real Description Corner: Now with added boring.

Wipeout is a futuristic anti-grav racing game that’s been around since the original Playstation. The game emphasises speed, weapons and a pumping electronic soundtrack. People tend to forget that the original game was very harsh, as hitting the sides really screwed up ya lap times. Thankfully the games are a little more forgiving now. Arcade racing fun for all the family. Yes. All the family. Even little Jimmy… but not Jonny, the rat-bastard.

I recall that the first-person mode had the potential to induce sickness. Happy times. Wait… How does that work with VR?


Shadow of the Colossus

Shadow of the Colossus 2018 – Short Review: PS4 Version

Shade of Nostalgious

Welcome to your obligatory introduction to something so well known we could review the thing in the style of abstract dance.

Shadow of the Colossus is a computer game/ film / bacon

that is a wholly original game/ HD upgrade / remake.

The original 2006 version was seminal / good / angry raccoons

and we can all agree hairy kneecaps / mumbling penis / handful of eyenog.

Can the remake uphold such a tremendous legacy?


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Director: Alex Garland / Screenplay: Alex Garland / Release date: 12 March 2018

Actors: Natalie Portman / Genre: Thriller/Horror ‧ 2h

Sometimes a film comes along that reminds me why I watch films in the first place.

Annihilation brings us the “Shimmer”. A strange phenomenon brought forth from falling asteroid. Yes. A bloody asteroid! What do we do when we find a Shimmer? We submit to the inevitable horror shenanigans and investigate.

Best send in the scientists.


Super Smash Bros Brian Blessed

Super Smash Bros: Speculation Misadventure

I do believe the greater public have become quite excited for this thing called the Supers Smashings Bros coming to the Nintendo Switch.

A Nintendo Direct trailer hit the… erm.. internet streets and contained a nice surprise? At least for the likes of us as we all rather enjoy shouting at each at point blank range.

You can watch it below, if you’re in the mood.

We ask the question:

Which characters would we like to see in the upcoming Super Smash Bros?

This was an excellent Nintendo Direct. I’m hoping the next WarioWare jumps from 3DS to the Switch as it’s an ideal party game. Lastly, if you can, download the Kirby demo for the Switch, it’s bloody great. Anyway, Enough waffle…

First up, welcome Joey Jo Jo. What characters would you like to see in the new Super Smash Bros?