Howdy Folks!
5 Episodic Chapters, 5 Reviews, 5 characters, 5 Fingers, 5 Sweet & Sour Ribs (starter), Five.
The following contains a loose collection of thoughts as I adventure through Pandora. Pandora is the name of the Borderlands world. What do you mean you knew that already? No need for that language! Look, I was simply explaining just in case you had no idea. You want me to go into the legend Pandora’s box? No? Well shutup then.
Salt and Sanct, take the freshness back.
Salt and Sanctuary is a tough side scrolling adventure with deliberate mechanics, rewarding precise attacks and a nimble defence. A punishing stamina gauge tests your willpower whilst exotic and varied weaponry and items help keep potential death at bay. The lush and beautifully engineered world betrays treacherous intent, as you scramble through unseen paths, scale stunning 2D architecture slickly introducing witty shortcuts, raising an eyebrow as the masterful circular design reveals itself for an appreciative audience nods.
The elegant art design mirrors a satisfying journey through a startling world filled with charismatic enemies, willing and able, to cut you down at a moments notice. All of this culminates in weighty boss battles demanding your full attention.
This isn’t really what the games about. Looks nice and exciting though.
“What is a 4x strategy game?” you mutter. Why, it’s a nerd game in which you do a Star Trek. You start with a single planet and attempt to best rival civilisations to take over the galaxy. Hopefully to the soundtrack of an 80’s montage sequence.
You are. Oh yes, you are.
Paradox Interactive have made some of the finest nerd games known to man, in fact Crusader Kings II is one of my most cherished playthings in recent years. Even if it was a massive pain in the arse to get into.
How do Paradox fare when they come to boldly, something, man has gone to something, something, before. Space.
The BBC cited cost cutting as the main reason. A show with a 2 camera set-up and a man on stage.
I’m not sure it could get any cheaper.
According to the games media New Doom isn’t so bad, good in fact. Erm, if you could consider such statements a review after a single half-day of playing it. Almost as bad as not playing it at all, who would do such a thing.
UPDATE – It’s great. Glad you waited ey’, EY! Wot you ‘n a rush for boi’.
No really, what did happen to the Dino Dini generation of the 90’s?
Dino Dini… what a fantastic name! It’s also a name I hadn’t seen for a long time. So imagine my surprise when I came across Kick Off revival.
Update – Time passes. A review appears.
BRUTAL DOOM
Update – Reviews are in. New Doom isn’t a pile of cheesehats. Shockingly it appears to be great! Woop an’ that. No idea why Bethesda wanted to hide it from critical acclaim? Still, Brutal Doom is still awesome and free to acquire.
Just a few decent Wii U Games.
I loved what the Wii U attempted. I’m sure a lot of people did. Although…. there is one thing that tickles my annoyance gland.
Not one developer used the Wii U to its full potential. Not even Nintendo.
The following collection of words is essentially a peek into what I really wanted from this strange little box. Or more accurately, a bizarre shotgun rant aimed at no-one in particular.
My original review is here. scoring an excellent 8.
Only leaves the house to go to the shops.
Hey little guy!
Bug fixes are great. Possibly enough to bump the score to a 9, but today marks the official inclusion of local co-op. We all know what that means.
Hyper Light Drifter has been bestowed a mighty 9.
Everything with co-op is better, even exploring a dying world or mutual cheese shop theft. Next week I’ll give it a 10 when it includes the promised FTSE 100 index trading mini-game.
Unsure what the numbers mean? A score guide can fix what ails ya’.
Lets see how my disgusting fabrications check out against the gaming media reviews.
My ‘review’ is here for comparison. I violently insist you read it. My review score was a 9, noting set pieces, parsnips, cinematic pacing and all that other stuff Uncharted did before.
It could be any game but on this day I installed Left 4 Dead 2. By this day I meant yesterday. I hadn’t played Left 4 Dead in over 2 years and truth be told, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place.
Easily the finest video reply on any social media for family, friends and loved ones. Everyday is a struggle.
Another song in desperate need of expelling from my mind.
Careful Now! Best do a runner against these 3 lads, just like real life ‘ey.
Now, consider that carefully. Does that sound like a bad thing?
Nioh is a fantasy adventure set in feudal Japan and you are a Samurai. Oh yes you are.
Dynamic Duo! Terrible Twosome! Pair of Thieving Cunts!
No, I didn’t manage to get a stolen copy, nice work crooks. Anyway, lets predict the gaming media’s reviews!
Uncharted 4: A Thimbles End begins with an bombastic intro. Taking cues from all your favourite Hollywood films, it explodes on screen with exciting set pieces and some climbing that you cannot fail. (more…)
Some say that America as a whole is going through something of an IQ test, but this is a completely unfair point. It’s far more nuanced then reducing the matter to a simple disparaging sentence. The anger and apathy of the American population towards the ‘ruling elite’ allows for such a vacuum in power.
Block of Cheddar enters the room at an incredibly slow pace. Squinting it surveys the room, mumbles a quip and flicks his ponytail. No really, I have no idea what the quip was, sounded like “iwillbruiseyouenvironmentmustbesavedbusinessisbad”.
Block of Cheddar is ‘at one with the earth’ because he’s a Native Indian, or Japanese or something, something, honour, that’s not made clear. Being Honourable also means he doesn’t really have to speak or be interesting.
Wei too much fun.
Not too long I got really bored of open world games. Bloody strange when you think about it. I got bored of possibility. The open world clones didn’t open the world far enough. Every game was content to change up the formula by a small increment. Again, very strange when you consider that you get to invent a whole new microcosm. A lil’ light bulb flashes above Mr Reginald GameMaker’s head before deciding… let’s make it just like all the others! Maybe chuck in a few mini-games or a tower to climb. I mean, you don’t really need poorly made bowling games in open world games. Very recently that’s changed with some outstanding game releases, including Orcs, Witchers and some Metal Gears, but not so long ago back in 2012 this little gem was released…
The pilot episode of Banshee sets everything up nicely with great action sequences and a simple plot. I especially love the main character’s jaw. He looks like an even angrier Andrew Falkous chewing a whole pack of wine gums.
Antony Starr Andrew Falkous
Got Gungeoned
I’m in love with Enter the Gungeon, it plays great, its replayable and I already know, even at this early stage, that I’ll regularly come back to it over the coming years.
But this is the internet. We can’t have nice things, so lets completely tear it apart. That’s what you want, isn’t it? You filthy internet scum, you disgust me.
