Videogames

Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.

Playstation VR

Playstation VR Demo Disc

SHORT REVIEW – FROM THE TOUCHLINE – PS VR

Welcome to today’s game, Aldershot Town Vs Haberdashery FC

Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Tommy Squeaker.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, you’ve an incredible disposable income. You must have tried the ol’ Virtual Reality right?

“Put a fucky headset on my fucky head right? Yeah mate, I done all that. Messed my hair right up”

“Wow Faulstino, what a life, your hair looks great! Tell me more!” Kick off

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Batman: Arkham VR

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Who are you? Batman. No, really. I am him. 

The wonderful thing about most VR games is that they’re piss-easy to review, as you’ve finished them by the time you finished reading this.

So the ultimate question is…

… Is Batman: Arkham VR worth your money?

Also, how the hell do you give it a score?

Welcome to an exceedingly short review to match the length of the game.

ZOK!

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Shadow Warrior 2

SHORT REVIEW (SINGLE PLAYER ONLY): PC VERSION

Penis Joke.

Did any of you kindly upstanding people play the Shadow Warrior reboot a few years ago? It was pretty good. Before Nu-Doom stole all the party poppers and set off a one man conga line, 2013’s Shadow Warrior showed just how fun a simple ol’ fashioned gore em’ up could be. Who doesn’t like chopping demons into itty-bitty bits at top speed? Incidentally I’ve now retired the term “Nu-Doom”, so let’s not use that ever again. Ever.

So, review of a sequel ‘ey? How long before we fall deep into clichés and references to the original game…. Let’s try to avoid that, right? Right?

More Wang Please

Let’s gets excited for VR!

Who doesn’t like lists? Who enjoys randomised pointless conjecture regarding Virtual Reality? I do!

With Playstation VR primed for the general public, here’s a selection of game ideas I’ve been desperate to play.

Where are the trailblazing Miyamotos of the VR world? Where are the pioneers giving us experiences we simply cannot imagine? Standing about in a cave or waving a sword around is a cool tech demo, but not exactly a proper game I’ll return to again and again. New technology, same ol’ ideas. Give it time, they will come.

vr 2

Mmmm, yes, that’s is very good VR.

Here’s the top 5 games I would love to play in Virtual Reality.

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TP

Trash Panic

So you would like to play a Trash Panic? Find and wear your agreeable comfy slippers and follow this handy guide!

A PS3 game? That was a whole console generation ago? How obscure! I can hear the gasps from here. At some point in time, I suspect we’ll be unable to download old PS3 titles. Plus there’s a good chance you’ve never heard of it.

Wait, so what in the cheesehats is this game?

Trash Panic is dustbin Tetris. Released in 2009 to little fanfare it wasn’t a must-have game. Still isn’t. It is a fun two player game to play against people who have never heard of it. Should be pretty bloody cheap by now too. Brilliantly there was some sort of environmental Captain Planet message mixed into the gameplay, with naughty emissions and eco friendly ways to get rid of the trash; bless ’em.

Trash Panic is a capable single player game, but the following is a guide on how to play it with friends.

To the guide!

Fifa vs Pro

FIFA vs Pro: Fan debate

We’ve taken two rabid fans and have asked them to put five tough questions to one another. 

Meet Gamerdownstreet – Fan of FIFA, please tell us about yourself?

I’d bought both FIFA & PES back in 2005, FIFA was better back then so ever since I’ve been loyal. F*%k these questions. In actual fact, don’t continue reading just go and buy FIFA 17 on XBOX One. I am not biased, screw you reading this right now, how about you go outside for once and enjoy the sunlight? Has Pokémon Go got boring for you already?! Yeah, YOU were probably one of those nerds spending real money on it too. Wait, what am I here for again? Ohhh yeah, FIFA vs PES. Sorry Scott, please go ahead.

Thank you for that rabid, unhinged outburst. Now Scott – Fan of Pro

The golden years of PES brought arcadey football to the small screen and it felt like real football, with through-balls, clever runs and one-twos. I slowly lost interest with both games throughout the years, as the yearly updates took it’s toll and a focus on tedious realism took hold. Last year’s Pro brought me back and I’ve been singing it’s praises ever since.

To be honest, I was a bigger fan of Sensible Soccer, but that went missing a long time ago.

Enough of this. To the questions!

Fight!

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Camping adventures in Rimworld: Part 4

The continuing and possibly sexy adventures of a rapidly vicious group of beloved friends (gang) in Rimworlllddddddddddddddddddddd.

Part 1 of our incredible diary begins here, I refuse to reveal where part 2 lives and part 3 hides here.  Wanna read a review of the game, find it yourself you lazy tike.

You know the score by now, we are rapidly reaching a conclusion to our grand camping adventure.

Let’s dip into the penultimate diary of Lloyd, Vix, Scott and introducing the fine upstanding gentleman monkey Gerald.

To the campsite

Terribly Nice Gamer

Growing up in the Future

Thanks servers, nice one internet. Now we can’t forget any of the things. No-one can. It’s logged somewhere. This is the future, sunshine.

We’ve grown up in era that records time differently to any other. We are our own surveillance system. The keyboard’s mightier then the pen! Unless there’s a power cut. Of course, we are not the first to witness life changing technology but we are the coolest and most rad, because we can tell everyone, IN CAPS, directly to one another.

Reminds me. I must ask my parents what it was like growing up with the introduction of the magic moving picture boxes. The very same boxes we carry around in our pockets and strap to our eyeballs to enter. We are living in Willy Wonka times.

willy wonka

Technology’s great isn’t it!

What’s it like growing up with computer games and more importantly, what’s next?

No really…

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Battle Brothers – Early Access Look

What makes a good early access game? How can you trust such a changeable thing? The money could dry up at any time. Endings might be forsaken. No resolution. 

Why, that’s an easy questions to answer!

Does the game have a clear roadmap?

I’m glad to say Battle Brothers does indeed have a plan. Good.

Does the game receive regular updates ?

Silence, inaction and a lack of meaningful progression cause mild panic attacks and a faint sadness behind the eyes. Luckily Battle Brothers has received a fair few updates since I last tried checked it out and has been much improved.

So the last question we have…. Is Battle Brothers worth your time?

Come and find out. I said COME IN!

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Police Tactics Imperio

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

I do enjoy a nice isometric town with small people to bother. Let’s bother all the small people. Clicking their little heads. Go on, move… move on my command. Cue mighty laughter.

So you command a police force: The computer game. Wonderful. I really do enjoy these types or games and it’s been a while since I’ve played a decent one. Imperio…. isn’t that a make of car? What a rather silly name.

Ok, let’s talk about why this game pisses me off so much.

More Polis

Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival

Dino Dini’s Kick Off Revival: 1.3 Update

SHORT REVIEW UPDATE: PS4 VERSION

Kick Off Revival received a much needed update. Wait, has anyone played it since release? I haven’t. I wonder if they included any bloody game modes? Who knows, it might even be alright.

Hey, do you know when the game media becomes a gibbering wreck for certain games and can’t shut the fuck up about it. Lets see how one of those follow up articles looks when the games without any hype and the game is, in fact, quite shit.

Let’s talk about the forgotten Kick Off Revival. That’s a thing to do, right?

So what’s new? Is the game better? Does my hair look nice today?

TOOT!

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Zelda: Breath of the Wild – Weeeeeeeeeeeee gameplay

As a general rule, never get excited about anything. Ever. 

Look at this below! Only 44 seconds of your time! I mean, it’s Link flying around an open world like a lunatic!

Still… Could be rubbish though.

You see that bit when Link dropped a bomb!

Might turn out to be another bloody disappointment. Bet Link has a tiny inventory.

Paraglider!!!!!

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Pro Evolution Soccer 2017: Demo

I absolutely loved Pro 2016. Why, that was a vintage year. So let’s gently vibrate at the correct levels of excitement for the new fancy demo.

In short, the PES2017 demo is very good. Players seem more responsive and manoeuvrable. Hey, take a look at this in my second game.

For an optimum viewing experience, please sneak a look on your work computer, when everyone’s turned away for that split second. For some reason it’s a jerky mess on a mobile.

Pro 2017 keeper

Good isn’t it! Wanna see it from another angle? Wanna read a real life review with words an that, you can click here?

just another giff here

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Camping adventures in Rimworld: Part 3

What’s this diary thing about? How did it reach part 3? What to know more? 

Are you the kind of lunatic that wants to start at the beginning? Part 1 resides hereor if you’re quite sensible and wish to start in the middle, Part 2 is here In the mood to read a most excellent review of the game? You can check that out here.

Mei the Assassin joins the drunken survivors comprised of Vix, Lloyd and me, Scott in their wacky (they are most certainly not!) adventures in RimWorld.

A camp has been set up, food prepared and strangely, a collection of Turkeys has been gathered. Somehow no-ones died and chaos has generally been averted. It’s all been quite polite really. Well there was that time they brutally murdered a bloke called Tiger and dumped him round the back of some rubble. It’s been mostly polite.

Let’s dip into what they’ve been up to?

To the campsite

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10 Things I want from No Mans Sky: Achievable download features

Reviewing No Mans Sky was a painful process. I understood why groups of people were upset with the results and empathise with the pressures of releasing a game without all the hyped features. It would have been wise to have a friendly sit-down chat with the world, explaining what didn’t make it into the game. That might have defused the situation, even if a few pre-orders might have been cancelled.

No Mans Sky is a game few people would adore and (I suspect) a larger majority might find slightly boring. At least after the initial wonder had worn off. I happen to be one of the people that find pleasure in wandering the galaxy without much focus. This is not a game for everyone. Unfortunately marketing teams don’t care about such things.

So patches will come and new features will be added. Here’s an agreeable list of what I would love to see added to No Mans Sky in the coming months.

I WANT

Yooka-Laylee

Yooka-Laylee: Smug Kickstarting

Kickstarting any project should come with the following warning: “You might not get jack, son”.

Yes, indeed. I was correct to throw money at Playtonic money. Shall we gloat online? Why not! Yes, that was a wise investment. Mmmmm, that feels lovely.

Wait… What if it’s a buggy release? What if it’s not released at all! What if it is released, but is a gigantic mess? What if it isn’t the spiritual successor to Banjo Kazooie!

Arghh doubt! So much doubt. Oh, look. A trailer.

Looks fine. Panic over.

There you have it. Yooka-Laylee is shaping up nicely. Nice one.

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No Mans Sky

NO MANS REVIEW: PC VERSION

Almost certainly, some guys sky.

Could this be the biggest indie game launch known to (no) man? Years of forthy build up and delays sent the general public into meltdown. Nah, not really. It was a few loud-mouthed people typing into the internet at great pace. I’m pretty sure more sensible game enthusiasts were happy to sit back and wait for the release, but that doesn’t make much of a story.

“Sensible crowd waits patiently for games release without resorting to hyperbole”.

That doesn’t have a good ring to it.

I’ve reached a cataclysmic PC crash situation stopping further exploration, so now’s a good time to talk about…

The hotly anticipated.

Exciting.

Wait for it…..

The flying around in a spaceship for reasons game.

No Mans Sky. The computer game.

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